All four one

I must be crazy for starting off the challenge with writing an entry this late while medicated. I caught a cold in the last few days of my vacation and early hours of the new year.

I read the book within the first month of freshmen year at UC Davis. I was only 18 years old and I already contemplated death, not suicide, in my dorm room which I shared with a complete stranger for 9 months. What would happen if I disappeared from the face of the Earth by next month? Would anyone care? Would life stop just for me or would it go on like a bus running on a tight schedule? I think I want what anyone else wants; I want to matter in this world. What I just said generalizes humanity, but beneath our skin we can be shallow creatures.

The last quote sticks with me and sums me up as a person. I can never stop myself from helping and getting involved. I want to throw my two cents into every cause and save the world. Yes, I suffer from a savior complex as early as my childhood days of watching reruns of Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles, Super Friends, and X-Men. I wanted nothing more than to be a superhero.

Look at me now, I’m a high school English teacher at a charter school that focuses on giving second chances to At Risk students (an individual who does not meet graduation requirements) and high school drop outs. My youngest student is six years younger than me and my oldest one is 4 years older than me; it’s an interesting scenario. Everyday feels like a Hollywood teacher movie like the Substitute or Coach Carter. Except, I’m not the hero in this case and I can’t save them all. I can only do so much in a 30 day module to meet their academic needs before they move one step closer to graduation. As a new teacher, and especially a young one, I find it difficult to wake up everyday excited to teach.

You probably wonder what gets me through the day then? A few handful students make teaching worthwhile to hear about their secret love of the English language; a steady paycheck; a chance to make a small difference; a piece of hope that can help a flower grow out of concrete, and forgiveness. I forgive myself for not doing enough so I can do more than for the class the next day.